I have completed Level II of the Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, which means that I am qualified to administer a thorough online assessment of your relationship to you and your partner, build a treatment plan, and provide the interventions needed to help you feel closer and happier than ever. The assessment will provide me with a 70-page document telling me very specific dynamics in your relationship. This includes strengths, areas where you need work, as well as personality and historical dynamics that impact your relationship.
When you contact me for couples telephone counseling, we will first schedule a session with the two of you together. During this session, we will review what brought you in, and what each of you hopes to see as a result of the couples therapy. After the initial session, I will schedule an appointment to see each of you individually. After your individual sessions are completed, we will begin couples sessions, but you will need to have completed the online assessment first (It is free, and I will send you a link). For the initial session, having both of you in the same room doing video-chat is important. Individual sessions are OK to do over phone or video. I will let you know if later online counseling sessions need to be specifically video-chat.
The Gottman Method of Couples Counseling
The Sound Relationship House
Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, have been studying relationship dynamics for decades at the University of Washington. Through their research, they have made many discoveries about what makes happy relationships successful. They summarize seven components that create a healthy relationship through the use of a symbolic house.
The seven components start at the bottom, the foundation, and gradually move up to the top. The walls of Trust and Commitment hold up the entire structure:
- Build Love Maps – Really know one another: What was her favorite concert, what is his favorite tree. The small stuff, the big stuff. In a healthy relationship, you are always getting to know each other.
- Share Fondness and Admiration – Consistently show each other that you want to be around each other. Sure, get time apart, but make sure that you tell each other that you look forward to seeing each other, that you’re attracted to each other, that you’re still crazy about each other. Share your admiration for each other’s talents and skills.
- Turn Towards Each Other – When people attempt to make a connection with each other, we call that a Bid. How the other person responds is called a Turn. Turning towards means acknowledging the Bid. Turning Away means changing the subject, or ignoring it completely.
- The Positive Perspective – Put simply, give the benefit of the doubt.
- Manage Conflict (not always ‘solve’ it) – The Gottman’s were surprised to see that 70% of conflict in a healthy, happy long-term relationship is perpetual; that it is never resolved! And that’s in a healthy relationship. So conflict is OK! You just need to be able to communicate effectively through it.
- Make Life Dreams Come True – Look for each others’ dreams and look for ways to help those dreams come true!
- Create Shared Meaning – When you build meaning together, you grow closer. Some couples volunteer together, while others take on common projects around the house. Be creative!
Of course, Trust and Commitment are absolutely essential for these seven components to build a happy home.
The Four Horsemen
Most people are surprised to learn that most conflict is perpetual in healthy, happy relationships. The reason this is the case has to do with how couples handle their communication during the conflict. The problem arises when there is a consistent pattern (not just occasional instances) of toxic methods being used. The Gottmans refer to these four toxic dynamics as the Four Horsemen:
- Criticism – Criticism is when you judge a person’s humanity instead of their behavior. Character assassination.
- Defensiveness – Refusing to accept responsibility by deflecting blame to the other person.
- Contempt – Fighting and showing disgust from a perspective of moral superiority.
- Stonewalling – When the mind sort-of short circuits and people cannot seem to process information. Sometimes called Flooding.
The Gottmans also refer to the horsemen’s two cousins:
- Belligerence
- Blame
Our work is to teach you the antidotes to the Four Horsemen (and their cousins), and how to recognize when they show up. Most couples report a significant improvement in their relationship when they learn these skills.
Effective Communication
Since the Four Horsemen and their cousins are communication-based dynamics, it stands to reason that learning effective communication will be the antidotes needed to neutralize them.
Generally speaking, there are several communication skills we will work on in couples counseling:
- Postpone persuasion (work on understanding the other person’s perspective before trying to persuade them to see yours)
- Cultivate effective speaking and listening skills
- Use humor when appropriate
- Find common ground
- Accepting positive influence from your partner (let them try to help)
- Give the benefit of the doubt (Positive Perspective)
- Self-soothing and partner-soothing
Common subjects in marriage & couples sessions
Questions about Couples Counseling
Can you see us individually, too?
Yes. My training allows me to see each of you individually as much as you need. While this individual work will mostly be about the relationship, other dynamics may come up and we will work on those as well because the more balanced you feel, the better you will be in your relationship.
Is it true that the man is usually wrong?
No. Everybody has their own unique personality and their own life experiences that shape how they behave in a relationship. In my experience, whether a relationship is between two same-sex people, or between a man and a woman, conflict is typically not mostly on one side or the other. Each person usually bears some responsibility for conflict; sometimes it may, in fact, be mostly one person’s “fault,” but the next time it may be more the other person’s “fault.” On average, however, that responsibility hovers around 50/50.
Will you fix our conflict for us so we can get back to our life?
My job is not to fix conflict for you for two reasons:
- Conflict is to be managed, not always resolved/fixed
- It is better for you to learn how to manage anxiety yourself rather than being dependent on me to do it for you
I certainly want you to get back to your life, but couples counseling is a commitment. When done properly, it is not something you just stop when things start to feel better. You continue couples therapy when your relationship feels good so you can learn what to do when things go sideways. Most couples find the first major conflict (fight, blow-out) after things feel better to be very unsettling. They report feeling scared that they didn’t learn enough or aren’t capable of maintaining their progress. We will talk about how normal conflict is, even intense conflict, and how to effectively manage it.
Does couples and marriage counseling work?
Research shows that when a couple actively participates in couples counseling and uses the skills they are taught, the success rate of couples therapy is around 80%.
What makes it work is each of you doing the work.
Jonathan F. Anderson, LCMHC, LPC-s
Jonathan is dually licensed in North Carolina as a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC, formerly LPC) and in Texas as a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor (LPC-s). He completed his Bachelor‘s degree at the University of Texas, Austin, in 1994, and his Master’s Degree at the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, in 1997. Jonathan has been a leader in the teletherapy industry for over 20-years. He has written telephone counseling training protocols for an international teletherapy provider and was the lead trainer at the same organization. Jonathan has completed Level II of the rigorous Gottman Method of Couples Counseling, and is recognized as an advanced provider of Critical Incident Stress Debriefing and Management. He is happy to be able to apply his expertise of online and telephone counseling to his trauma response and to all of his counseling services.